Please realize this is not an “actual” article on giving serial killers advice. No, I am not a serial killer but I do have a really bad sense of humor and have watched far too many horror films.
Serial Killer 101
If you are just starting out on your career as a serial killer, you may find this guide useful to getting started and to avoid some of the most common mistakes that even the seasoned pros make. If you are a seasoned killer, I have some brand new killer tips further in the article.
noun: serial killer; plural noun: serial killers
a person who commits a series of murders, often with no apparent motive and typically following a characteristic, predictable behavior pattern.
As long as humanity has existed, so have murderers and serial killers.
Murder is a part of human nature.
Back to our Roots
If you are new to serial killing, you might find these facts about the history of serial killing and where it started.
If you read the Christian bible, you will see murder occurring even at the very beginning of time when Cain killed his brother Abel in a fit of jealousy. This is one of the first instances of killing that was ever referenced to.
However, moving on from that. One of the most prolific and oldest serial killers documented was
Zu Shenatir was one of the first people who killed for pure pleasure. He killed by throwing people out of windows. Sex seems to have been his major MO and he met his demise as violently as he deserved.
According to different sources, Shenatir ended up finally meeting his demise when one of his “would-be” targets, a boy named Zerash, stabbed him in the anus.
Werewolves of Poligny
The “Werewolves of Poligny” were a collective group of 16th century serial killers that killed a number of children. The Trio was comprised of:
They were ousted after a bloody Verdun was caught and tortured.
Verdun eventually ousted his co-conspiritors after much brutal and deserved torture and all of them were executed accordingly.
Peter Stumpp was another werewolf-mo serial killer from the 15th century.
He was a one-armed farmer who moonlighted as a cannibalistic murderer that reportedly murdered 14 children, 2 pregnant women, and his own son (which he later said he actually consumed his own son’s brain) all over the course of 25 years.
Peter Niers was more than just a serial killer, he was a cannibal as well. I am honorably mentioning Niers because it is said that it is possible that Niers killed or helped kill an alleged 544 people in 15 years. That would make him one of the most prolific murders of all time.
Things to Consider When Starting Out
Some of the first things that you will need to consider if you are barely starting out in the serial killing world are as followed:
No one really ever commits the perfect crime.
Serial killing is a full-time job not a part-time
DNA is a bitch
No matter what religion you are, you’re going to the deepest darkest depths of the abyss especially if you’re killing and raping children.
You need to be consistent
You need to always stick with one specific instrument of death.
You need to be good at lying and coming up with alibis
Some Fresh New Ideas Coming Your Way
I’ve compiled this short list of ideas for every serial killer, beginner or pro, to help freshen up things a bit.
1. DO NOT PARTNER WITH OTHER SERIAL KILLERS
Seriously, if you’re gonna take anything from my earlier writing, you can see that it didn’t exactly end well for the Werewolves of Poligny.
It also didn’t work for the Manson Family either. Just don’t fucking do it, because when things get rough, you best bet they’re going to oust your ass. You know the quote “There’s no honor among thieves?” Yeah, well there is DEFINITELY no honor among serial killers. If you learn anything from all the forensic Law & Order shows on TV now-a-days one of the first things that the coppers will try to do is get you to turn on one another for a shorter sentence.
2. BE ORIGINAL
For fuck’s sake. For one, known serial killers psychological profiles are already well-known. Take a second to ponder this: How do you think someone would know another person’s methodologies? DING DING! THEY GOT CAUGHT YOU MORON.
3. STOP TRYING TO THINK YOU WILL BE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
You won’t, I promise you, you won’t. Whether it’s running your mouth to someone you love, a friend, a co-worker, whatever, getting caught by DNA and other forensic testing, or going out in a blaze of glory in a shoot out with the cops. Karma is a bitch. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be.
4. STOP ATTACKING CHILDREN
Yes, I know it’s tempting because they are all helpless little brats, but honestly.. did it end well for the guy who killed John Walsh’s son? No, instead, John Walsh made a name for himself HUNTING PEOPLE LIKE US.
5. STOP RAPING YOUR VICTIMS
Remember what I said about DNA? Yeah, well you know where 99% of DNA comes from? It comes from stupid MORONS who rape women, men, and children.
ONE LAST THING
This article was made for entertainment only, I’m not actually sitting here trying to give a bunch of people who lives in their mom’s basements actual “creative” ideas of getting away with murder. If you don’t like the article then simply exit out of it and go to someone else’s blog.